An IB mom’s Journey.

 We walk a delicate line don’t we, especially those of us whose children have flown the coup, to go study at a far away place. I can still remember the rigorous years of the IBDP ,with the Extended essays, the 3 higher level subjects and the CAS requirement creating a bubble of anxiety. Thrown into this cocktail was the arduous task of University applications. The final 2 years of high school was not without challenges. Having counselled students for a number of years, I knew that my young man would need some guidance and direction. So a road map with deadlines was created and I the GPS lady. This was, I think, my biggest contribution towards our Project ‘University bound’.  So Year 12 saw my young man hit the ground running having already shortlisted his preferred Universities, so there was ample time to address the various Uni applications as well as to continue addressing his 3 high level subjects and extended essays of the IBDP. We encouraged him to develop his portfolio and that really helped with the University essays. Much has been written about the different parenting styles , the helicopter parent now usurped by the lawnmower parent .  As parents we need to know when to step back , to step in ,when to hover, when to lawn mow and so on. I think there is a need to do all of the above at some point or the other. Many a time my calm GPS lady sound has morphed into a shrill shriek. Many a time I stepped in to do a quick grammar check on his essays, so that he could go for his theater rehearsals. Many a time the family has sat together to brainstorm a particularly challenging topic, always being careful to suggest and not impose. Many a time we have planned days when we watch movie reruns ,play Monopoly ( poke fun at my reactions) and just chill.

I am grateful that as parents we were able to support him through the rigors of the IB as well as the disappointment of rejection letters from his dream universities. He is now well settled in his new home for the next 4 years. The University of British Columbia( I am not an agent nor am I suggesting that this Uni is for everyone) was the perfect choice for him and both his father and I felt so happy to hear him say that he feels he’s has been there for ages and it felt as if the University has embraced him into its fold(after only a couple of weeks). A number of factors are responsible for this.  

The online application , easy and not intimidating. (I say this because some of those applications can get very complicated) The quick turn around and once the offer was made, guidance was given every step of the way. There were online sessions for Science specific students, sessions on how to use the portal to choose subjects and more importantly how to make smart choices. There were real faces behind the online voices ,faces that students would meet once they arrived at the university.  There was a session for parents as well.  This made our decision easier especially when our son was also holding a terrific scholarship offer from one of the University of California colleges.  Ask questions, keeping in mind the bigger picture, not just the 4-year academics and examine personal preferences.

An example of how this particular University showed its human side in spite of its size is the way the University family clinic sprung into action on receiving my mail about an unfortunate dog biting incident which involved my son, a day before we left from Dubai. Don’t ask! By the time we landed, everything was in place, an appointment with the doctor at the Department of communicable disease in town and a map to the place.

Ask and help will arrive. This is one thing I continually tell my son, to never be hesitant about asking for help whether its academic or social. Every university has a cell that handles varied situations. But its up to the child to come forward. AS parents , keep that communication going. Most of the time we can sense from the timbre in their voice that maybe all is not well.

A 15 hour plane ride away, its not easy to visit our children who study so far away.  The time difference requires careful planning to when to talk etc. Things are easier nowadays with technologies that enable us to video call and chat. Many parents talk of the need to let go and allow our children to handle responsibilities, to make mistakes, learn from them and toughen up. I agree with all of them. However every child is different and there are those that may require a little more hand holding . The air of bravado may rapidly disappear and while universities do have adept pastoral counselling,  it may be difficult for them to identify moments of stress until it is very apparent . So what do we do as distant parents of young adults. The challenge is to find the right balance , to tread the middle line between a hovering parent and one that has let go. Provide a safety net but encourage independence. I know its hard sometimes but this is a great opportunity for our children to blossom and become confident caring adults.

Here are some tips that I have found useful for us parents.

Call/text often. Don’t expect immediate replies. That blue double tick on watsapp gives me so much happiness , just to know that my message has been read. We need to accept the fact that we will never know all aspects of our children’s life. It is ok. However ask questions to show your concern but don’t  be nosy. That for many is a sure fire way of clamming up. Most of the time they will share their experiences but at their pace.

It may come as a shock when your normally high performing child in the top 10 percentile is now struggling to bring up their scores from a 60s. Remember it’s a period of transition for them, everything is different from inside the classroom to outside. So what we can do is to nudge them gently to consider talking to a teaching assistant .  

Keep a list of useful numbers of campus resources so its easy to then direct your child to someone who can help.

Send food ! Send surprises. Having been a hostel kid in my teens, I cannot begin to tell you how excited we get when packages arrive especially when chocolates are involved.

Never ever call/email  professors to ask for clarifications on behalf of your child. They don’t want to hear from you. Encourage your child to seek help, explore syllabus. There may be answers there.

Don’t preach overtly. Do it subtly. One of my favorite questions to ask my son is where do you sit for your CPSC classes? There’ s a guessing game that we play and through that I am able to subtly suggest sitting closer to the front. ( I am a firm believer that the front benchers pay more attention specially when there are more than 250 students)

For those of you, starting on your university journey, planning is essential. Before you know it, monstrous deadlines loom. Start early (essential) and create a road map with clear deadlines. I promise you, ticking those tasks off brings about so much of happiness. Develop your portfolio, look for gaps and start thinking of how to plug them. Look up online platforms where you can create a presence like isuuu, wix, yudu and so on. This portfolio will be what you will fall back on when you start addressing University application essays.

Don’t compromise on your chosen track of study.  Examine and compare course programs. Don’t be pressured to only look at Ivy leagues or Russell group Universities. Sometimes a smaller university may suit you better.

Continue to work hard at your school. These are the last 2 years of your school, enjoy them. Take part in stuff happening there, bond with your school mates. Trust me school friends are your friends forever.

Take care of yourself, eat healthy and exercise! During moments of stress, a brisk walk or run can work wonders.

My dear students immerse yourself into this wonderful journey of self-discovery. I wish you  good luck.