As a big
Netflix fan, I am continually being given suggestions as to what I should watch.
The series,13 Reasons Why kept popping up on the screen. It struck me as another teen angst program and
I kept passing it up until my almost 30 year old daughter told me , ‘Ma , watch
it,’ it’s different . I always listen to her when it comes to
movies, shows etc. 13 Reasons Why is based on a book of the same name, authored
by Jay Asher under the genre of Young Adult. It has generated a lot of brouhaha world wide.
I have
to be honest. I binge watched the whole thing.
The series is gripping and deals with multiple issues like peer
pressure, bullying, the pressure to be in a relationship, sexual harassment which according to statistics is
increasing at schools worldwide.
13
reasons why, follows the life of Hannah Baker, a high school student who
commits suicide and leaves behind 13 cassettes which reaches the doorstep of her
friend, Clay Jenson who has a crush on her. Through the cassettes, we hear her tell
her listeners why she holds 13 of her peers responsible in some way, for her
decision to end her life. Each episode sees the narrative weave back and forth
in time and also back and forth between Hannahs and Clays thoughts. It really
has been brilliantly produced and directed.
We get
to see the various experiences that Hannah has as a newbie in town and at school,
trying to ‘fit in’. In the final episode, Hannah takes the drastic step to end
her life in a very deliberate manner that is very disturbing to watch, even for
an adult. Many times leading up to the finale,
we are tempted to shout out encouragement and advise to her and that there are recourses
that she can take.
There have
been numerous debates and deliberations on whether the series should be banned,
and schools have stepped in with cautionary messages to dissuade students from
watching it.
A recent
newspaper article in the Gulf News reiterates that it could trigger copycat
actions amongst teenagers.
There is
a real opportunity to use this show to start a discussion on the various
struggles that teenagers appear to go through in today’s turbulent times. Banning
it is a sure fire way of ensuring that young ones will surely watch it, at a friend’s
place or secretly at night. So there isn’t a point in that, in my opinion. So,
watch it with your children. Many teens find it awkward and uncomfortable to
watch anything with parents but in this case since there is SO much of interest
in this show, we can and should persuade them to watch it together, with us.
I asked
a few young adults (14 to 17 years of age) what they thought about the series
and is high school really that traumatic. Here are some takeaways from my
conversation with them.
The children
feel that in the UAE, schools are different and isn’t the toxic environment portrayed
in the show. They were unanimous in saying that everyone should be able to
watch the show, maybe not for the very young though. (14 years and below
according to them) B, who has a very young sister(11 years) was clear that he
did not want her to watch the show as he felt it did not depict an accurate
picture of high school and could influence her perception of it. The visuals being
very graphic could also have a negative impact.
I
broached on the whole Slut shaming thing with them (this was the main trigger for
the character’s downward spiral in the
series). The older lot seem to feel that
in most cases the girls kind of brought it on themselves as they are rather
careless on social media when they post pics or insert comments. They felt that
bullying decreased in the final years of high school. Interestingly the boys, didn’t
seem to think that slut shaming happened at their school but qualified that
statement by saying that a certain bunch
of their classmates had left the school the previous year and that’s
probably why there werent instances of it.(!) L indicated that in her school slut
shaming occured but felt that the girls
had themselves to blame. Those girls were very aware of the ‘reputations’ that
they had and were ok with it. In fact
some looked upon it as a compliment.
The
Younger lot in the group had a slightly different take on the show. For them it
wasn’t just a TV show, as felt by the older ones. They felt that the show made
them think about consequences of being mean and rude to others. They could
relate to the feel of the fictional high school and that ‘kind’ of bullying. According to these mature 14 year olds, 7th or 8th grades
was when they started to notice that kids were getting teased or bullied.
That’s when the groups and friendship became more defined. So there were the
popular girls group(these were the ones that went for parties etc), the Nerd
group( I really dislike the connotation to this one) the studious lot, the athletes and so on..
All in
my little group knew of someone at school who was being bullied. We talked
about coping mechanisms and what the character Hannah could have done
differently. They felt that if she had
more friends to confide in, talk things through her choices would have been
different. If she had interests and activities
outside of school with a different group of people that would have been a good
outlet for her. They related to her reluctance to confide in her parents. It was really surprising and disheartening (for
me as the only adult there) to know that the children felt
adults/parents/guidance counselors are usually the last option. According to them, adult intervention would
result in worse consequences and the embarrassment that they would have to go
through, would be paramount and traumatic. All of them felt that they could
cope and manage any problems. Only when they have exhausted all avenues, would
they approach an adult. These young ones had no answer when I asked them when, according to them, would
be the right time to ask for help to
avoid trauma or even personal injury. The brilliant silver lining to all of
this was that all of my young friends were unanimous in their opinion that
suicide should never be an option and that there are so many other choices that
can be made.
Needless
to say after this informal meet, I was rather upset. Upset because as parents
we are the safety nets for our children, always. They should know that, right?
Where have we gone wrong that our teens view us as the last resort. What are we
not saying to them, assuming that they are intelligent enough to make right
choices? Why should seeking parental help be viewed as a teasing point among
teens as in ‘You are so lame , you went
crying to mummy’. Of course you know
I am generalizing but it is what these children had to say. How can we
recognize signs that our children might be going through some rough stuff?
In the series, social media played a big role
in the way photographs and comments were being shared. Bullying has evolved and
with the availability of privacy settings on various social media platforms ,we
will never know the kind of messages exchanged nor the level of participation
our children may have in what might be perceived as ‘harmless banter’. Look at the
recent case of students who had had admission offers from Harvard withdrawn due
to offensive posts in a FB messaging group. The anonymity of social media
creates cyber monsters who under the blanket of namelessness prey on the vulnerable. Who
among us are the most vulnerable? For me its our children, our impressionable
children who desperately want to fit in, at school, at home , in their
communities and so on. In this melting pot that is the UAE, many of our young global
nomads are seeking to find their own identity amidst this internationalism,
while trying to understand their roots and why this seems so important to their
parents. Add to this the pressure of academics and securing a high grade.
13 reasons why tackles a lot of relevant issues.
View it as an opportunity to bond with your children. You know they are going
to watch it sooner or later. Do use it
as an opening for honest conversation, to offer unconditional love and hugs and
an ever ready shoulder , to listen without judgment , to not dismiss their
trivial fears , to suggest , advice and above all to promise to always be there
, as the very FIRST RESORT.