An IB mom’s Journey.

 We walk a delicate line don’t we, especially those of us whose children have flown the coup, to go study at a far away place. I can still remember the rigorous years of the IBDP ,with the Extended essays, the 3 higher level subjects and the CAS requirement creating a bubble of anxiety. Thrown into this cocktail was the arduous task of University applications. The final 2 years of high school was not without challenges. Having counselled students for a number of years, I knew that my young man would need some guidance and direction. So a road map with deadlines was created and I the GPS lady. This was, I think, my biggest contribution towards our Project ‘University bound’.  So Year 12 saw my young man hit the ground running having already shortlisted his preferred Universities, so there was ample time to address the various Uni applications as well as to continue addressing his 3 high level subjects and extended essays of the IBDP. We encouraged him to develop his portfolio and that really helped with the University essays. Much has been written about the different parenting styles , the helicopter parent now usurped by the lawnmower parent .  As parents we need to know when to step back , to step in ,when to hover, when to lawn mow and so on. I think there is a need to do all of the above at some point or the other. Many a time my calm GPS lady sound has morphed into a shrill shriek. Many a time I stepped in to do a quick grammar check on his essays, so that he could go for his theater rehearsals. Many a time the family has sat together to brainstorm a particularly challenging topic, always being careful to suggest and not impose. Many a time we have planned days when we watch movie reruns ,play Monopoly ( poke fun at my reactions) and just chill.

I am grateful that as parents we were able to support him through the rigors of the IB as well as the disappointment of rejection letters from his dream universities. He is now well settled in his new home for the next 4 years. The University of British Columbia( I am not an agent nor am I suggesting that this Uni is for everyone) was the perfect choice for him and both his father and I felt so happy to hear him say that he feels he’s has been there for ages and it felt as if the University has embraced him into its fold(after only a couple of weeks). A number of factors are responsible for this.  

The online application , easy and not intimidating. (I say this because some of those applications can get very complicated) The quick turn around and once the offer was made, guidance was given every step of the way. There were online sessions for Science specific students, sessions on how to use the portal to choose subjects and more importantly how to make smart choices. There were real faces behind the online voices ,faces that students would meet once they arrived at the university.  There was a session for parents as well.  This made our decision easier especially when our son was also holding a terrific scholarship offer from one of the University of California colleges.  Ask questions, keeping in mind the bigger picture, not just the 4-year academics and examine personal preferences.

An example of how this particular University showed its human side in spite of its size is the way the University family clinic sprung into action on receiving my mail about an unfortunate dog biting incident which involved my son, a day before we left from Dubai. Don’t ask! By the time we landed, everything was in place, an appointment with the doctor at the Department of communicable disease in town and a map to the place.

Ask and help will arrive. This is one thing I continually tell my son, to never be hesitant about asking for help whether its academic or social. Every university has a cell that handles varied situations. But its up to the child to come forward. AS parents , keep that communication going. Most of the time we can sense from the timbre in their voice that maybe all is not well.

A 15 hour plane ride away, its not easy to visit our children who study so far away.  The time difference requires careful planning to when to talk etc. Things are easier nowadays with technologies that enable us to video call and chat. Many parents talk of the need to let go and allow our children to handle responsibilities, to make mistakes, learn from them and toughen up. I agree with all of them. However every child is different and there are those that may require a little more hand holding . The air of bravado may rapidly disappear and while universities do have adept pastoral counselling,  it may be difficult for them to identify moments of stress until it is very apparent . So what do we do as distant parents of young adults. The challenge is to find the right balance , to tread the middle line between a hovering parent and one that has let go. Provide a safety net but encourage independence. I know its hard sometimes but this is a great opportunity for our children to blossom and become confident caring adults.

Here are some tips that I have found useful for us parents.

Call/text often. Don’t expect immediate replies. That blue double tick on watsapp gives me so much happiness , just to know that my message has been read. We need to accept the fact that we will never know all aspects of our children’s life. It is ok. However ask questions to show your concern but don’t  be nosy. That for many is a sure fire way of clamming up. Most of the time they will share their experiences but at their pace.

It may come as a shock when your normally high performing child in the top 10 percentile is now struggling to bring up their scores from a 60s. Remember it’s a period of transition for them, everything is different from inside the classroom to outside. So what we can do is to nudge them gently to consider talking to a teaching assistant .  

Keep a list of useful numbers of campus resources so its easy to then direct your child to someone who can help.

Send food ! Send surprises. Having been a hostel kid in my teens, I cannot begin to tell you how excited we get when packages arrive especially when chocolates are involved.

Never ever call/email  professors to ask for clarifications on behalf of your child. They don’t want to hear from you. Encourage your child to seek help, explore syllabus. There may be answers there.

Don’t preach overtly. Do it subtly. One of my favorite questions to ask my son is where do you sit for your CPSC classes? There’ s a guessing game that we play and through that I am able to subtly suggest sitting closer to the front. ( I am a firm believer that the front benchers pay more attention specially when there are more than 250 students)

For those of you, starting on your university journey, planning is essential. Before you know it, monstrous deadlines loom. Start early (essential) and create a road map with clear deadlines. I promise you, ticking those tasks off brings about so much of happiness. Develop your portfolio, look for gaps and start thinking of how to plug them. Look up online platforms where you can create a presence like isuuu, wix, yudu and so on. This portfolio will be what you will fall back on when you start addressing University application essays.

Don’t compromise on your chosen track of study.  Examine and compare course programs. Don’t be pressured to only look at Ivy leagues or Russell group Universities. Sometimes a smaller university may suit you better.

Continue to work hard at your school. These are the last 2 years of your school, enjoy them. Take part in stuff happening there, bond with your school mates. Trust me school friends are your friends forever.

Take care of yourself, eat healthy and exercise! During moments of stress, a brisk walk or run can work wonders.

My dear students immerse yourself into this wonderful journey of self-discovery. I wish you  good luck.

Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle” – Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland. The Growing relevance of Psychometrics in Academics.

‘So you’re in high school now! Have you decided what you want to be?’ ‘Will you take Science or Commerce?’ How often have you heard this not only from folks at home but from your neighbours and even the Aunty down the street! With a mind-boggling range of careers available, one would think it is easier to arrive at career choices right? Not so. Add to this the rapidly changing work environment that we are witnessing.

In this age of the 4^th Industrial revolution, careers are no longer linear in character, they have become fragmented, collaborative and more complex. The perception that with a degree in hand, everything else will fall into place is archaic. Today we see so many people making multiple career shifts before they touch 35 . My Dad for instance worked at the Brunei Shell Petroleum Company  for close to 40 years. My generation saw 4 to 5 career shifts before reaching 40 years of age and I now see the younger lot, shifting 2 to 3 times while still in the 20s . The challenge is not only to find a job that one enjoys but to be able to stay in it should you want to.

'The Times they are a changing’ Mr. Bob Dylan says. The World economic forum in their Future of Jobs publication talks about how todays in-demand occupations or specialties did not exist 5 years ago. This pace of change is set to accelerate. 5 years is not a long time . The Dubai Govt  is already working on plans to be ready for this new ‘smart economy’ in all sectors. For those of us who have children entering high school, the work landscape that our children will step out to will be so different to what it is now. We must be able to anticipate future skill requirements and know where their strengths lie outside of academics. Schools must step up their game to ensure adequate career/academic counselling for every student irrespective of their academic progress. A comprehensive  guidance of mapping the students profile with the anticipated skill requirements of not only current careers but emerging ones as well  will go a long way in making informed choices.

Psychometric assessments is increasingly being regarded as an essential tool in  career guidance programs. They are effective in revealing aspects of a ones aptitude, interest or personality in a statistically valid and quantifiable manner. Self-evaluation using scientific methods . The  battery of tests will indicate areas of strengths and can point one to best fits in terms of career possibilities. In today’s times it is imperative to identify our potential to learn, our inherent skills and yes our challenges  also. Using only test scores to decide careers is not recommended.

Going back to the ‘great puzzle’, Let’s look at our typical teen in high school.

They are bombarded with tests, projects, homework (from school & tuitions) pressured to enroll in co- curricular activities, volunteer etc. The alternate world of SM(Social Media) urging one to connect, comment and critique takes up a lot of time.  Add to that the chemical transformation happening within themselves. Physically and mentally our teens have a lot on their plate.  To top things off we expect them to have the perfect answers to ‘Who am I? What would I like to do/be? Will I be successful?  Que Sera Sera I hear you say? It’s should never be what will be, will be. The more prepared we are, the ‘readier’ we will be to make intelligent choices among the myriad opportunities lying ahead. Let’s help prepare our children for this turbulent 21^st century. Recognise that our children are very different from us and growing in different times.  Explore options together, listen to their opinions, learn some of their jargon and most important, continue asking them questions that encourages them to introspect. Please don’t judge them based on test scores at school. In the bigger scheme of things, they don’t matter. Encourage them to pursue co-curricular activities that they are interested in for the pure passion of it. Very often it leads to exciting new avenues.

With all the deadlines from school it is easy to let the conversation slip especially if both parents are also working.  But here’s an easy way to look at it and an approach that has worked for me with my 2 and for all the students that comes to us at Varsity Connections.  Come 9^th or 10^th grade depending on the curriculum, you will be faced with filling out the subject options slip which will indicate what subjects your child will be taking at high school. There are many things to consider here and the biggie is the fact that the school has a cut off score for STEM subjects. We cannot do anything about that policy.  Work backwards.  Use psychometrics and academic progress to help your child identify potential careers it can be 1 , 2 or even 3 potential areas.  Then look at the University programs that will facilitate progress to those potential career clusters. Understand what the prerequisite subjects (if any) that the student has to take at high school. It then becomes easy to tick those option boxes sent from the school.

For those children who have already decided (as early as the 9^th grade) what they want to be either by themselves or with help from their parents, Psychometrics is a great tool to understand if their choice is a realistic one. For the majority who are confused, wont this be the perfect way to move forward? An unbiased scientific method to discover who you are.

13 Reasons Why - It must be discussed.

As a big Netflix fan, I am continually being given suggestions as to what I should watch. The series,13 Reasons Why kept popping up on the screen.  It struck me as another teen angst program and I kept passing it up until my almost 30 year old daughter told me , ‘Ma , watch it,’  it’s different .  I always listen to her when it comes to movies, shows etc. 13 Reasons Why is based on a book of the same name, authored by Jay Asher under the genre of Young Adult.  It has generated a lot of  brouhaha world wide.

I have to be honest. I binge watched the whole thing.  The series is gripping and deals with multiple issues like peer pressure, bullying, the pressure to be in a relationship, sexual harassment which according to statistics is increasing at schools worldwide.

13 reasons why, follows the life of Hannah Baker, a high school student who commits suicide and leaves behind 13 cassettes which reaches the doorstep of her friend, Clay Jenson who has a crush on her. Through the cassettes, we hear her tell her listeners why she holds 13 of her peers responsible in some way, for her decision to end her life. Each episode sees the narrative weave back and forth in time and also back and forth between Hannahs and Clays thoughts. It really has been brilliantly produced and directed.  

We get to see the various experiences that Hannah has as a newbie in town and at school, trying to ‘fit in’. In the final episode, Hannah takes the drastic step to end her life in a very deliberate manner that is very disturbing to watch, even for an adult.  Many times leading up to the finale, we are tempted to shout out encouragement and advise to her and that there are recourses that she can take.

There have been numerous debates and deliberations on whether the series should be banned, and schools have stepped in with cautionary messages to dissuade students from watching it.

A recent newspaper article in the Gulf News reiterates that it could trigger copycat actions amongst teenagers.

There is a real opportunity to use this show to start a discussion on the various struggles that teenagers appear to go through in today’s turbulent times. Banning it is a sure fire way of ensuring that young ones will surely watch it, at a friend’s place or secretly at night. So there isn’t a point in that, in my opinion. So, watch it with your children. Many teens find it awkward and uncomfortable to watch anything with parents but in this case since there is SO much of interest in this show, we can and should persuade them to watch it together, with us.

I asked a few young adults (14 to 17 years of age) what they thought about the series and is high school really that traumatic. Here are some takeaways from my conversation with them.

The children feel that in the UAE, schools are different and isn’t the toxic environment portrayed in the show. They were unanimous in saying that everyone should be able to watch the show, maybe not for the very young though. (14 years and below according to them) B, who has a very young sister(11 years) was clear that he did not want her to watch the show as he felt it did not depict an accurate picture of high school  and could  influence her perception of it. The visuals being very graphic could also have a negative impact.

I broached on the whole Slut shaming thing with them (this was the main trigger for the  character’s downward spiral in the series).  The older lot seem to feel that in most cases the girls kind of brought it on themselves as they are rather careless on social media when they post pics or insert comments. They felt that bullying decreased in the final years of high school. Interestingly the boys, didn’t seem to think that slut shaming happened at their school but qualified that statement by saying that a certain bunch  of their classmates had left the school the previous year and that’s probably why there werent instances of it.(!) L indicated that in her school slut shaming occured but felt  that the girls had themselves to blame. Those girls were very aware of the ‘reputations’ that they had and were ok with it. In fact some looked upon it as a compliment.

The Younger lot in the group had a slightly different take on the show. For them it wasn’t just a TV show, as felt by the older ones. They felt that the show made them think about consequences of being mean and rude to others. They could relate to the feel of the fictional high school and that ‘kind’ of bullying. According to these mature 14 year olds, 7^th or 8^th grades was when they started to notice that kids were getting teased or bullied. That’s when the groups and friendship became more defined. So there were the popular girls group(these were the ones that went for parties etc), the Nerd group( I really dislike the connotation to this one) the studious lot, the athletes  and so on..

All in my little group knew of someone at school who was being bullied. We talked about coping mechanisms and what the character Hannah could have done differently.  They felt that if she had more friends to confide in, talk things through her choices would have been different.  If she had interests and activities outside of school with a different group of people that would have been a good outlet for her. They related to her reluctance to confide in her parents. It was really surprising and disheartening (for me as the only adult there) to know that the children felt adults/parents/guidance counselors are usually the last option.  According to them, adult intervention would result in worse consequences and the embarrassment that they would have to go through, would be paramount and traumatic. All of them felt that they could cope and manage any problems. Only when they have exhausted all avenues, would they approach an adult. These young ones had no answer when I asked them when, according to them, would be the right time to ask for help to avoid trauma or even personal injury. The brilliant silver lining to all of this was that all of my young friends were unanimous in their opinion that suicide should never be an option and that there are so many other choices that can be made.

Needless to say after this informal meet, I was rather upset. Upset because as parents we are the safety nets for our children, always. They should know that, right? Where have we gone wrong that our teens view us as the last resort. What are we not saying to them, assuming that they are intelligent enough to make right choices? Why should seeking parental help be viewed as a teasing point among teens as in  ‘You are so lame , you went crying to mummy’. Of course you know I am generalizing but it is what these children had to say. How can we recognize signs that our children might be going through some rough stuff? 

In the series, social media played a big role in the way photographs and comments were being shared. Bullying has evolved and with the availability of privacy settings on various social media platforms ,we will never know the kind of messages exchanged nor the level of participation our children may have in what might be  perceived as ‘harmless banter’. Look at the recent case of students who had had admission offers from Harvard withdrawn due to offensive posts in a FB messaging group. The anonymity of social media creates cyber monsters who under the blanket of   namelessness prey on the vulnerable. Who among us are the most vulnerable? For me its our children, our impressionable children who desperately want to fit in, at school, at home , in their communities and so on. In this melting pot that is the UAE, many of our young global nomads are seeking to find their own identity amidst this internationalism, while trying to understand their roots and why this seems so important to their parents. Add to this the pressure of academics and securing a high grade.  

13 reasons why tackles a lot of relevant issues. View it as an opportunity to bond with your children. You know they are going to watch it sooner or later.  Do use it as an opening for honest conversation, to offer unconditional love and hugs and an ever ready shoulder , to listen without judgment , to not dismiss their trivial fears , to suggest , advice and above all to promise to always be there , as the very FIRST RESORT.